ramblings?
Ok, i don't even know what to write about, i'm just in the mood to write i guess...
so maybe we'll start out with some jokes...
Warning, some of these jokes are gonna be pretty cheesy.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.
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What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the possum that it could be done.
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Johnny's elementary school class starts the school year with a show and tell day.
The teacher told everyone to bring in something significant from their summer break and talk about it.
Sally brings in a seashell and talks about her vacation to the ocean.
Ronnie brings in a giant pinecone and talks about his big camping trip in the mountains.
When it's Johnny's turn, he walks to the blackboard, picks up a piece of chalk, draws a small dot on the board, and walks back to his seat.
The teacher sits there for a minute staring at the dot, trying to figure out what it could mean.
She knows she needs to be careful asking Johnny questions, because he can be pretty crude at times. Finally, she gives in and asks, "Johnny, what's that supposed to be???"
Johnny replied, "It's a period!" His teacher asked, "What's so significant about a period?"
Johnny replies, "Hell if I know! My sister said she missed one, Mom fainted, Dad had a heart attack, and the guy next door shot himself!"
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Random thought now.
I saw something disturbingly hilarious tuesday... driving through farm country on our way to go fishing, we (My sister, my brother and his gf, a guy from paramedic class, and myself) saw a cow mounting another cow. No big deal, we thought as we saw it from a distance... Until we got closer and realized that cow number one had mounted cow number two "Backwards" and was humping its head... strange.
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OK, one last joke and i'm gonna call this a night.
Steve was going to be getting married, so a week or so before the wedding, his 3 best friends, Joe, Al, and Dave were sitting around talking about the wedding night pranks over a few beers.
Joe, a carpenter, said "I'm going to saw through the slats in their box spring, so that when they start going at it, their bed will break!"
Al, an electrician, said "I'm gonna wire up the springs in their mattress. When that bed starts moving, the springs will all contact and give them a nice little jolt."
Dave, a doctor, just smirked and said "I'm not telling you guys what I'm doing, but trust me; they will never forget it."
The wedding comes and goes and 3 weeks later, the friends all get letters in the mail. The letter reads:
"To my friends.
I want to thank you for your support and all, but there are a few things that I need to address.
To whomever sawed the slats in our box spring: It was funny, although was mildly inconvenient.
To whomever wired the springs in our mattress: We definately caught a few chuckles from the jolt...
But I SWEAR I am gonna kill the son of a bitch who put the Lidocaine in the KY Jelly!!!"
:-D Goodnight everybody!
posted by Adam @ 4/13/2006 09:41:00 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
*snickers* Just a few "warm up" jokes for you:
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
---
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?" The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
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And that there is sufficient eye bleeding, just for yo, I present; The purple joke:
Once upon a purple time, in a purple kingdom far far away, there purpley lived a purple king. The purple king had a purple daughter the purple princess and one purple day when the purple sun was purpley shining a lovely purple glow on the purple meadows a purple prince riding a purple horse through the purple kingdom saw the purple princess and fell madly in purple love with the purple princess. The purple prince rode his purple horse up to the purple castle and ask to purpley speak to the purple king. He said to the purple king “My purple heart is madly in purple love with the purple princess and I ask for her purple hand in purple marriage” the purple king replied “Purple prince if you complete my purple tasks I shall purpley allow your purple marriage to my purple daughter”. The purple prince was delighted and replied “I shall perform any purple tasks your purple mind can think of to purpley win your purple daughters purple hand in purple marriage”.
The purple king said “Take this purple toothpick, ride out of the purple castle, ride down the purple hill, out of the purple town, across the purple river on the purple bridge, through the purple meadow and purpley ride into the scary purple forest. There you much purpley cut down 100 purple trees with your purple toothpick and purpley carry all the purple trees back to the purple castle to feed the purple fires to keep us purpley and warm”. So the purple prince got on his purple horse and rode out the purple castle, down the purple hill, out of the purple town, across the purple river on the purple bridge, through the purple meadow and purpley rode into the scary purple forest. The purple prince got off his purple horse and purpley cut down 100 purple trees, the purple prince then purpley took them all back to the purple castle to feed the purple fires and keep everyone all purpley and warm.
The purple prince went back to the purple king and said “I have purpley completed yoru purple task may I purpley have you purple daughters purple hand in purple marriage”. The purple king purpley replied “I have another purple task for you first”. The purple prince replied “I shall perform any purple tasks your purple mind can think of to purpley win your purple daughters purple hand in purple marriage”.
The purple king said “Take this purple toothpick, ride out of the purple castle, ride down the purple hill, out of the purple town, across the purple river on the purple bridge, through the purple meadow and purpley ride into the scary purple forest. There you much purpley cut down 100 purple trees with your purple toothpick and purpley carry all the purple trees back to the purple castle to feed the purple fires to keep us purpley and warm”. So the purple prince got on his purple horse and rode out the purple castle, down the purple hill, out of the purple town, across the purple river on the purple bridge, through the purple meadow and purpley rode into the scary purple forest. The purple prince got off his purple horse and purpley cut down 100 purple trees, the purple prince then purpley took them all back to the purple castle to feed the purple fires and keep everyone all purpley and warm.
The purple prince went back to the purple king and said “I have purpley completed yoru purple task may I purpley have you purple daughters purple hand in purple marriage”. The purple king purpley replied “I have another purple task for you first”. The purple prince replied “I shall perform any purple tasks your purple mind can think of to purpley win your purple daughters purple hand in purple marriage”.
The purple king said “Take this purple toothpick, ride out of the purple castle, ride down the purple hill, out of the purple town, across the purple river on the purple bridge, through the purple meadow and purpley ride into the scary purple forest. There you must purpley cut down 100 purple trees with your purple toothpick and purpley carry all the purple trees back to the purple castle to feed the purple fires to keep us purpley and warm”. So the purple prince got on his purple horse and rode out the purple castle, down the purple hill, out of the purple town, across the purple river on the purple bridge, through the purple meadow and purpley rode into the scary purple forest. The purple prince got off his purple horse and purpley cut down 100 purple trees, the purple prince then purpley took them all back to the purple castle to feed the purple fires and keep everyone all purpley and warm.
The purple prince went back to the purple king and said “I have purpley completed yoru purple task may I purpley have you purple daughters purple hand in purple marriage”. The purple king purpley replied “I have another purple task for you first”. The purple prince replied “I shall perform any purple tasks your purple mind can think of to purpley win your purple daughters purple hand in purple marriage”.
The purple king said “Take this purple toothpick, ride out of the purple castle, ride down the purple hill, out of the purple town, across the purple river on the purple bridge, through the purple meadow and purpley ride through the scary purple forest. On the other purple side you will purpley find the purplest mountain your purple eyes have ever purpley seen. At the top of the purple mountain there is a purple cave. In the purple cave there is a purple dragon. You must use your purple toothpick and slay the purple dragon so it may never purpley terrify the purple townsfolk again.” So, the purple prince got on his purple horse and rode out the purple castle, down the purple hill, out of the purple town, across the purple river on the purple bridge, through the purple meadow and purpley rode through the scary purple forest, and on the other purple side of the purple forest he saw the most purple mountain his purple eyes had ever purpley seen. The purple prince climbed the purple mountain and very purpley snuck into the purple cave, there found a purple dragon who was sleeping a purpley sleep and dreaming purpley dreams. So with all his purple courage and all his purpleness the purple prince crept quietly over to the purple dragon. Suddenly the purple dragon awoke and was very purpley angry, the purple dragon breathed purple fire upon the purple prince and the purple prince ran from the purple cave. He ran down the purple mountain, got on his purple horse and purpley rode back to the purple castle.
The purple prince went back to the purple king and said “I found the purple mountain, climbed to the purple cave and purpley snuck up on the purple dragon but it awoke and breathed purple fire on me, I had to purpley flee for my purplness. Oh please purple king, let me have you purple daughters purple hand in purple marriage.” The purple king was purpley outraged, he purpley screamed and purpley cursed the purple prince, he told the purple prince that he would never purpley marry the purple princess. The purple king called for his purple guards and a purple guard came running “take the purple prince down deep into the purple dungeons and purpley lock him away” so the guard took the purple prince down to the purple dungeons, opened the purple cell and said to the purple prince…. “indigo”
I'm not sure if that will do it, or the fact I was faced with a man in a giant pink bunny suit at work last night and had to keep a totally straight faceas he told me some really long, very serious story (while he waved his giant bunny paws and his giant pink ears twitched on top of his head). After he was gone I went and hid in the bathroom and laughed so much I cried.... Oh and that reminds me, as "the easter bunny" isn't in any condition to work this weekend, I've found a replacement ( http://eclectech.co.uk/b3ta/easterpenguin.gif ). You KNOW you want to click it ;)
Sorry about the spelling/typing. Its early! No apologies for the eye death though...
Okay, so I've spent a good few hours searching google and messing about in photoshop to make the PERFECT easter image. I present to you the Bunnana. (could use a little more work but I have paperwork from last night to be doing)
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2508/1800/400/Bunnana.jpg
Anyway, while I'm on the subject of bunnies and easter, the bunny from last night showed up at work this morning a little while after I'd gone home and he left me an egg... I might just go and get that before someone else does ;). I'm also told that he wasn't wearing his bunny suit anymore. I'm slightly disappointed, I was so sure he was the real deal... The tooth fairy is still real, right? RIGHT?
What kind of dog do you have? I have two of the dumbest dogs in the world. One ran into the window in my apartment ‘cause she was trying to get at a bird or something. Actually, it might have been a dog on the street for all I know… Either way, it made a REALLY great hollow “thud” noise. Awesome, I know…
Righty, I’m off to Macys and then to get my egg and THEN I EXPECT A BAD JOKE.
On another note, I spell checked it this time 'cause I'm that awesome.
I see, I see, I seee. You're going for the mature jokes now, eh?
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope." replied Jimmy.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".
Again Jimmy says "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."
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The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?"
Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday", says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful.""No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
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The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted.
---
They're old but classic.
It sounds like your dog is pretty darn smart. At least compared to mine who shuffled up to me on the couch and draped her head over my law book then drooled down the page. Oh and when my mom magically appeared at my door (as moms do) waving food (as Jewish moms do) the smaller dog go so excited she jumped up, did a weird wiggle thing in the air and ended up sprawled on the floor only to try the same move again two seconds later. GENIUS!
If you ever feel like making my eyes bleed in real time, my AIM is bigbananahug (just don't ask about it, kay) and my yahoo is ana_is_a_hottie (another one not to ask about... I've had it since I was like twelve. Okay... and now I'm late for work...
Happy Easter!
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the
Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid
hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car
and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of
the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side
of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny
and killed it. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She
went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to
the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can
onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up
the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and
hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned
around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved,
hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name
is in your spray can?" The woman turned the can around so that the man
could read the label. It said:
"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
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